26 February 2003 22:59
i am passionate about my belief in Christ calling us to live lives of peace. it is rough here at school, i often get the feeling that i'm the only one serious about living a life of non-resistance. so it was a mixed blessing to recieve the following im's from a friend back home. painful because i understand her disappointment, but a comfort because we share common beliefs.(22.10.06): Brendan, how defeated I feel
(22.10.47): a friend that goes to our church doesn't believe that capital punishment is wrong
(22.12.35): and that friend said he would kill anyone that planned on killing me if he could
(22.12.45): that makes me feel terrible
(22.14.23): if he truly loved me, he wouldn't kill for me
unfortunately, this mentality is completely foreign to most people on this campus. but for me, when i saw her messages, they immediately clicked with what i wrote a year and a half ago:
this place is bare, but wait
there, against that pillar
no...no! i cannot bear to look
is it? no! it cannot be
i run, i run blindly
yet still i see, i see it...i see her
unwillingly, i see a body,
lying there in the dress i bought her
beautiful even in death,
my love, my life, my everything
why has this happened?
gently, tenderly, i kneel at her side
i reach towards her face, hesitantly,
i brush my shaking finger along her cheek
her beautiful yet cold face sleeps
i carefully replace the whisp of hair
the one by her left eye, hanging down
brush it back, as i have done so often in the past
no longer can i hold, the tears come
hot, bitter they fall,
they fall upon the face of my love.
sobbing, i hold her tight
i cling to what remains
i bury my face in the shoulder of her dress
i drench the soft fabric with my tears
she was life to me, a reason for living
she gave joy and sweetness to my existence
passionately did she love me
heart and soul and mind she gave herself to me
and now
anquish wracks my body,
the columns echo my cry
and unsupported her head falls back,
her lips, they used to part slightly,
when she smiled at me,
when she looked at me with love in her eyes
now, no, now they are blue with death
and her eyes stare blankly past.
never again will they twinkle with her joy.
mever agian will her lips whisper in my ear.
lovingly i lift her head,
her long soft brown hair cascades across my arm.
breathing again the sweet smell of her precense
mingled with the vile odor of death,
i touch my lips to her forhead,
it's like kissing marble, the lines of tension smoothed now
peace resides in her face, no longer is she concerned
but why did it come to this end?
carefully i lay her down, my cloak for a pillow
the intitial rage past, i see more
i see the wound in her breast
the gaping red contrasting the pale blue of silk.
uncontrolled the tears come again,
never will i hear the swish of her skirts,
never her cry of delight as she runs to me.
my love, innocent of wrong,
brought to cruel death by a bullet.
injustice wrenches within me, hate boils to the surface
how could this be done, why?
desperately i seek to stop the flood of tears,
scalding as they burn down my face.
i cannot let this happen.
for her sake, for my sake,
for the sake of the children we will never have.
this sensless violence must be stopped!
with a soundless roar i leap to my feet.
justice will come to those who killed her.
i turn toward the west,
the sounds of their carnage can still be heard,
ravaging through the town proper
i stop, and look
one last time upon my love
beautiful, even in death
the peace and serene grace she lived, still evident.
her eyes closed by my own hand, my cloak still under her head
unbidden a memory comes to me
my knees weaken at the image of her,
pleading with her brother to see the truth.
his hand had gone defensively to his sword, unnatural at his side
he had looked heartbroken, into her eyes,
heartbroken for upsetting her, but he did not waver.
"i must defend my family, it is my duty"
i remember vividly, the anguish in her eyes,
as she watched him leave, bound for the battle front.
shaken, i stepped back.
no! i must stop them from killing more,
i must fight for her memory.
i turn and run, run from her.
heart pounding i flee along the pillars,
the red sun setting through them, casting gloom.
i ignore her calling after me in my mind,
fixing upon the memory of her death scream i did not hear
the scream she would not have made
as if i had been there, i could see it
her surrounded by the royal guard,
arrested for her belief in love.
then, the urgent orders, her in the way.
the commander turning to his men, the quiet command.
her against the column, the sharp report.
the commander urging haste, and silence...silence
hours later as the sun sets, i found her.
lost to me forever, no!
the blood of my life must be avenged,
their violence has to be stopped.
stumbling on the rough flagstones i stop, heaving for breath.
and i know with certainty, she would not want me to do this.
i would protest, i cannot stand by and watch you die.
and she would gently remind me of One who stood by and let His Son die.
love was the word she lived
she loved me unswervingly,
she loved her Father above all else.
she loved those who hated her,
just as she loved her brother who believed so differently
even as she stared into the eyes of the soldier who killed her she loved him.
she knew in her heart that her Father loved her,
that she was alive for him, whether here, or beyond.
determined, i straightend my shoulders.
i turned and looked through the deepening shadows back towards where she lay.
the red gloom emphasized my loss,
the empty yearning within me.
but i will live for her memory.
i will not destroy her killers for justice.
i will go tell them of her forgiveness,
and where she recieved her love.
for her sake.
that she might have more brothers to love in heaven.
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